Cultural Collision and Parenting Styles
Anais or Ianthe, if we have a girl. Alessio or Assan, if we have a boy.
Like most couples, my husband and I fantasize about our future children. We often wonder how they will look? Will our son have frenetic energy like Tino or will our daughter be calm like me? While whimsically exploring the aspects of having offspring, we have begun to contemplate the less glamorous elements of parenthood. Although Tino and I agree on the basic tenets needed to raise kind and empathic human beings, our different cultural backgrounds present disparate perspectives on how to do so. As an Afro-Caribbean woman raised in Brooklyn and he, a German man raised in Hamburg, through frank discussions, we have begun to broach the subject of different parenting styles, as we enter another stage in our lives.
1)Discipline
I have a close knit group of friends that are the progeny of African and Caribbean immigrants. Even now, as 30somethings, my friends and I still trade stories about our childhood punishments. For us, a beating as punishment for bad grades or disrespectful behavior was a fundamental part of childhood. Each person’s experience may have varied in intensity and frequency of the beatings doled out; but nonetheless, at some point, we all were hit with a flip flop or a belt, before turning 18 years old. On the other hand, my husband has never been physically disciplined. Despite yelling back at his mother as an adolescent, unthinkable in a Afro-Caribbean household, and getting into trouble at school, his biggest punishment was being grounded in his room for a few days. In Germany, corporal punishment is deemed barbaric, and Tino subscribed to this belief early in our relationship.
Possessing conflicting beliefs on discipline based on our cultural backgrounds, how did we reach a compromise on such an important issue?
First, Tino and I understand that we will have to wait and see the temperament of our child(ren). A sensitive child may respond differently to spankings, in comparison to an oppositional/defiant being.
Secondly, the way that my mother punished me was relatively effective and could be tweaked to a more updated form. As a pre-teen, I received lashes that were congruent with my age, typically dispensed with an explanation of the infraction.
Finally, we agree that ‘talking back’; using profanity; and slamming doors, will not be allowed in our household. These behaviors will be checked, using a variety of disciplinary measures. However, the verdict is still out on how we will manage a child’s poor academic performance.
II) Pressure to achieve greatness
As a teenager, if I received a 91 on a test, my mother would ask, ‘where are the other 9 points?’ Like the Russian and Chinese students in my AP classes, as first generation Americans, our families expected us to excel academically; secure spots at prestigious universities and pursue careers in high earning fields. For the majority of my young adult life, the goal was to become a physician, which I doggedly pursued. I attended summer programs geared towards medicine; took extra Advanced Placement classes; worked at a doctor’s office, and essentially centered my young life on a career path in medicine.
Tino, on the other hand, grew up in a country, where his family has resided for hundreds of years. At his grandmother’s home, there are books from the 1700s and framed pictures of his ancestors in horse drawn carriages. During his early years, he was disinterested in school, resulting in poor grades, truancy and being defiant to authority. Furthermore, he did not worry about being punished or disappointing his parents if he brought home grades that were less than stellar. He had no existential pressure to succeed in a foreign country. We joke often about the fact that we would not have been friends during our high school years.
Now as adults, we can examine the positives and negatives of our parents’ approach to education and success. In our home, how will we approach success if our children aren’t academically gifted?
If our children struggle academically, we have the means to provide them with tutoring and extra help. However, we don’t want our children to ascribe their self worth solely to their accomplishments at school.
We agree that having good grades will be important in our household. However, we will seek to maintain a healthy balance between encouraging academic excellence, while ensuring that our children know that our love is unconditional, and will not be rescinded if a grade is subpar.
III) Human sexuality and body positivity
“Nackidei! Nackidei alle sind heut Nackidei, Keiner findet etwas dabei” means “Nakedness! Everyone is naked today and no one is bothered!”
Growing up in 1990s Germany, Tino, like most children, watched an animated public service announcement which sought to teach them about body positivity and embracing their naked bodies. In the United States, a cartoon such as this, even today, would elicit outrage from conservatives and religious groups. As a recent immigrant to the United States, Tino has struggled with the nation’s puritanical stance on human sexuality and nudity. During his childhood it was commonplace for young children to run around without clothing, especially on camping trips and in the home. Furthermore, it was not uncommon for German children to see their parents’ naked bodies.
Growing up between Brooklyn and Barbados, my upbringing around the topics of nudity and sexuality were starkly different from Tino’s. In Barbados, I recall the silly names my caretakers used to reference sexual organs, and the shame ascribed to those parts of the body. In Brooklyn, as a pre-teen girl, I was always reminded to be chaste, at the risk of being called ‘hot’, ‘fast’ or a ‘hoe’. Then on my summer trips to Senegal, a predominantly Muslim country, I was encouraged to dress conservatively. At times, it felt as though humans existed without genitalia, as most people walked around in long amorphous robes. My parents’ strict beliefs about sexuality and nudity, finally extended to the belief that I should remain a virgin until well into my 20s.
Now as an adult, my take on human sexuality has evolved considerably from the strict upbringing of my youth. Coming from such different backgrounds, how will Tino and I broach the topics of sexuality and nudity, with our future children?
As a couple, we agree that the American take on the human body and sexuality is very hypocritical and repressive, and possibly leads to psychological issues.
In the hopes of raising well adjusted children, we’ve decided to lean toward the German way of openness and acceptance of the natural human form.
IV) Technology
As an adolescent, watching television was restricted during the school week, so I spent my time listening to music, doing homework assignments, talking to friends on the phone, and working on art projects. As a millennial, despite owning the obligatory cache of adult toys (iPhone, iPad, MacBook, and Air pods), I’m loath to idolize personal tech. When I reflect on my childhood, some of my fondest memories were at the Brooklyn Public Library, the antithesis of cutting edge technology. And every summer until I was about 21 years old, I checked out 20 books on summer loan. Tino, on the other hand, loves technology, and likes to incorporate it in all facets of life. Since his teens, he has enjoyed playing video games and organizes a LAN party, every time he visits Hamburg.
Despite our differences, we share common beliefs about children’s engagement with technology.
We intend to expose our children to technology, so they acquire the computer literacy needed to function in these times.
However, we are very keen on limiting screen time, especially when they are under the age of 10. We would like our children to develop their innate creativity without distractions. During my coming of age, I was grateful for the quiet moments spent reading books and sketching portraits, as opposed to constantly being engaged with social media.
We are also adamant about keeping the cell phones/laptops of our future tweens and teenagers in our bedroom at night. We believe that having constant access to the internet, especially during puberty, can adversely skew children's understanding of the world and themselves.
As of today, I’m far from pregnant; yet I feel assured that when we are ready to embark on parenthood, Tino and I will have a general framework of what will work for us and our family. We plan to incorporate lessons from our own upbringings, eschewing concepts that may be harmful to our future children, while maintaining enough wiggle room to adjust as needed. Every step of the way we aim to honor the best parts of our cultures as these differences will hopefully make our children more dynamic and unique human beings.
*Read the edited version The Bump.
